Musing about my trial (posting health updates to Facebook/Blog)

When you have a life- threatening disease like mine, as a Christian, posting updates to FaceBook (or your blog) is kind of a two-edged sword, for one thing, your thoughts and feelings are hanging right out there, if people are thinking you're being too negative about dying, well-meaning friends take you to task right away with a verse or two about how Christians shouldn't be afraid of dying or about how good God is. Some have come right out and said Christians should relish the thought of dying, I'm sorry, cancer is not a good thing, it is painful, ugly, and nasty. It is a product of the Fall. OK OK God does work all things together for good in the life of a Christian and I (and others) am certainly learning good lessons through this but that's different than saying it is good for me to have a brain tumor. It is NOT. Let me state without a moment's hesitation that having a brain tumor is not a good thing. Brain tumors are ugly and nasty and virulent, and they kill people. They rank up there with guns and pit vipers. Sorry, I do not relish the thought of dying of a brain tumor. It will be a messy, messy, way to go, if thats's what takes my life in the end (it may not be, of course). Yet we all will exit this life somehow. I pray that my exit will be quiet and graceful and that yet in the time I have left I may have a positive impact, in fact, I want to live as long as possible, yet. The will to live is God-given, it's part of being alive("survival instinct") it is simply NOT WRONG for me to want to live. "Survival instinct" keeps us alive. As I have said in other musings (below), I am not afraid to pass into eternity, I will be glad to go home to be with the Lord (please do not "promote me to glory" I think that phrase is so hokey, I want it to be said of me that I "went home to be with the Lord," please. When my name is called, I will not be afraid of entering eternity, I'm just really sad about the prospect of leaving all the God-given good things about my life(my wife, career, church ministries, good friends, family, house, dog, job, apple trees, raspberry bushes, chocolate mint coffee, backyard screen room), etc. The Bible says not to fear death because its victory is gone, and the sting is gone, so, no, I don't fear death. It also says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. Paul said that put him him in a bit of a ministry quandary. I can relate to that, he said he wanted to stay with the Phillippians to continue to help them. I would certainly like to continue my ministry here on earth as long as possible.

Frankly, the meds I am on can cause depression, so although I am not depressed, I do have up and down days, sorry about that.